31 December 02
I like watching car accidents. Metaphorically, mostly. For instance, I like watching dating shows. Here is a short list of my favorite things about dating shows:
Guys invariably say things to the camera when they are alone — things that would cause mutual hatred against that guy by every female in existence. These comments are usually so revealing about the guy that if the girl wound up dating the guy, then saw the broadcast of their episode, that girl would instantly throw the man out of her house, get a restraining order, then call every girl she knows every four weeks to make sure none of them know any girl who is giving that guy any chance. An example of this is the times guys treat a girl like a queen, with promises that they are perfect gentlemen (of course in the most creepy way possible) and then say something along the lines of “God, I can’t wait to get a piece of that” to the camera. Or, the guy completely fakes interest in a girl, it amazingly works, the chick is actually interested in him, then he says “what a bitch” when she’s out of earshot.
Another thing I like about car accident dating shows is competition for the sake of competition. Blind Date is a good show when you want to see a more realistic date ‘car accident’, but there is little concept of now-or-never competition. On fifth wheel, the contestants always — ALWAYS — act as if they MUST choose one of the opposite sex or serve out the rest of their lives in some sort of horrible loneliness. It doesn’t matter if everyone on the show is a useless piece of crap who likely isn’t attractive enough for you to talk to him/her in any other context. Put a guy and a girl on a dating show, and give them the opportunity to get along. If they don’t find each other attractive, have grossly different views about what is acceptable or necessary behavior on a date, have disgusting bodily odor, etc., you can forget about them hitting it off. Add another guy and girl to the mix — even such that no one person in the group would ever give any other person the time of day after meeting each other — suddenly you’ve got a makeout-fest on your hands. People are doing lapdances, making out, telling people they have beautiful eyes, grabbing things, drinking like hell (*note this isn’t variable), quoting sonnets of love, and getting tingly feelings that they have found that one true somebody. This is a very strange thing. To summarize: 2 people, no required attraction. 4 people, you’ve got so much attraction that any light within 40 feet has slim chance of escaping.
“I am stunned”, “I am amazed”, “at a loss for words”, etc.. These are what you always hear from the people after it is revealed to them that their love target officially wants nothing to do with them. This part of the show is like butter. The people who walk away single always have the most sincere look on their face. (Note this is the only time in the entire show that these people have a sincere look on their face.) Well, Mr. Walks-away-lonely, what could you have possibly done wrong? You tasted her molars, you rubbed your crotch in her face, you got totally wasted and puked on her shoes. But that can’t be the reason. She must have some sort of mental disorder.
Maybe three out of four dating shows start with people meeting, and then a number of the contestants quickly deciding they want none of this tragedy, so they just flee the scene before the show gets started. Maybe only 25 percent of dating show episodes get broadcast to the rectangular shiny thing in my living room. But who am I kidding? I bet the dating show production companies have a few million hours of quality car accident dates all lined up in a row.
Disclaimer: I am sleepy, and this keyboard is not good. I take no responsibility for spelling errors or sentences that make no sense.