Scariest. Costume. Ever.
In a successful attempt to further become a left-wing stereotype, I decided today that the most horrifying Halloween costume possible this year is one of a Republican congressman. And now I’m going to blog about it! Pretty soon I’ll have no choice but to crank-call Bill O’Reilly from NAMBLA headquarters and buy Janeane Garofalo a hemp-burning Segway in celebration of my war on Christmas.
So here it is - my simple twenty-six point strategery on how to become the most convincing Republican congressman ever.
First, you’re gonna want to put on about two hundred pounds. Think of your waistline as a direct representation of your love for America. And if you’re seventy-five feet eleven inches around, that’s a good excuse to put “911″ on your underpants. The extra weight also helps disturb left-wingers in the event you get busted for pedophilia and they have to think about you being in a ‘tight squeeze’.
Next, get in the habit of blaming Bill Clinton. Terrorism? That’s an easy one - Bill Clinton didn’t do enough. Child sex scandals? Easy - Clinton’s sexcapades with Monica set a bad example for the congressional pages, and their Satan-driven advances were irresitable by simple-minded people like Mark Foley. With sufficient training, you’ll be able to blame Clinton for things like cancer and the extinction of dinosaurs.
Third, you should verbally crush your opponents with the blinding wit of a thousand suns. Did your opponent lose her legs in Iraq? Tell everybody she wants to cut and run. Did your opponent break his back in a car accident? Mock his poor job attendance. See a brown person? Call him “Macaca” and welcome him to America.
The next step is optional, but makes your disguise that much more convincing. Become a fiercely closeted homosexual. It’s tricky, but you have to be extremely obviously gay while seriously hating any and all homosexuals. Live with your chief of staff while demanding an end to gay rights. Host a gay prostitute in the White House while commanding, “do who I say, not who I do.” Basically you want to be as overtly fabulous as possible while decrying fabulosity as unnatural. You can still say ‘You go girl,’ but only to Bay Buchanan. If you ever get revealed as a totally insane person, just blame it all on alcohol. Or Bill Clinton (see above).
Fifthly, speak only in talking point catch-phrases. Stay the course there so you don’t have to fear the axis of evil from God-fearing sea to shining sea. Beware that the talking points can change significantly every day - for example, ‘abortion is wrong’ can change to ‘abortion is wrong except when it’s forced in Saipan’.
Next, spend your free time planning what to do when your problems go away. For instance, earmark 20 million bucks for a humongous party in Baghdad when the violence spontaneously ends. Don’t worry about finding ways to make your problems go away - science shows that everything in history that isn’t still happening has ended, so the war in Iraq must end as well.
Finally, remember the only important date in the history of time - 9/11. Say it early, say it often. 9-11 say it twice in one sentence 9-11. Never say the year, since that doesn’t really matter and detracts from the important message that we were attacked four seconds ago. If you want to sound sophisticated, say “September” instead of “Nine” - practical knowledge of our calendar is a surefire way to secure the MENSA vote.
Yes, I know fifthly isn’t a word. I interspersed that vocabularium on porpoise.